I grew up in a typical Maasai village where I am the eighth born in a family of eleven children. My dad died in a car accident when he was drunk. This was a blow to our family and especially to my mother who was left with the sole responsibility of raising us. My childhood was dramatic and I experienced issues that would affect me later in life. As a normal young boy, I had friends from the neighborhood and did all sorts of things together. There lived a woman and a man near us who would take us, the little boys, and molest us at a tender age of four years. This went on for a long time and we did not tell anyone what was happening to us. This was because it was embarrassing and we knew that no one would believe us.
This experience affected me negatively and as I grew up I engaged in masturbation, bestiality, alcoholism and was addicted to pornography. These were such strongholds that I could not shake them off no matter how hard I tried. I was addicted to sex and it was like a force that was driving me into it. I remember I once solicited for prostitutes just so I could gratify my desire for sex. I could not resist logging in to pornographic websites.
I became such a drunk and I kept on saying that I would drink till I died like my dad. My mum was praying so hard but I seemed to be getting worse. I got involved with different women who only seemed to ruin my life. My life in school was difficult due to the masturbation and alcoholism that I constantly engaged in. There was a deep void in me that nothing seemed to fill. I got into wrong company and was always out drinking and partying. It caused me to feel empty and wasted. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I didn’t seem to have the strength to stop it. I was going down and there was no one to help me. I longed to feel secure and loved.
All this time, I was looking for a sense of worth. I loved God and I knew about him especially because of my mum. I kept trying to do what was right, but I seemed to be doing the wrong things always. I gave my life to Christ but I could not hold on to him for long. I kept backsliding and coming back to Him. He never threw me out and never tired of hearing me say that I was sorry. This was frustrating to me as I tried to measure up to God’s standards by my own efforts.
I did not realize that I needed God to be what He wanted me to be. I knew the God of my mother but I need to know Him for myself. I felt worthless and like a piece of trash. I knew He wanted me to serve Him and be dedicated to Him, but I didn’t have the strength to do it. This was when I started having suicidal thoughts. I thought to myself, ‘if I can’t serve God, then my life is not worth living.’ I felt that it was better for me to die than to live a lie.
All this time that I was struggling with masturbation, suicidal thoughts and pornography, I was in church and seemed to be a very good and religious person. Everyone believed I was a righteous person and some even came to me for advice, but God and I knew better. I could hide from people but I could never run away from God. I seemed to be okay but I was far from it. This ate into me like Cancer and only served to weigh me down. I hated putting on this show and I cried out to God desperately from my spirit to help me. I came to a point where I realized that only God could help me. I needed to allow him to do what he desired in me.
God began to work in me slowly but surely. He needed to break the hold of pornography, masturbation, bestiality, addiction to women and sex, alcohol and above all, the hold of religion, which was really trying to please God by own effort rather than rely on Him to guide and to teach me his ways. God did this by enabling me to face the fact that I had actually been violated as a child and my innocence taken away at such a tender age.
I needed to forgive the man and the woman who messed me up sexually as a child. I needed to admit that I was wrong to get into alcoholism, pornography, masturbation and beastility even though I had not led myself into these habits. When I saw and admitted my wrong, God began to show me how to live right. He gently broke off the hold of the vices in my life, causing me to see life from a whole new perspective.
One of the major things that God did was to heal and transform my mind. He made me see that I am not worthless, that I am special and loved by Him. He took all my weaknesses so he could give me his strengths. All this time, he did not give up on me, though I kept on hurting him and pushing him away from my life.
Due to the molestation, my heart was wounded and was therefore very vulnerable. I felt very unsafe and did all the wrong things to try to fit in and belong. What I did not realize however, that as I practiced masturbation, sex, alcoholism and pornography, I was hurting myself more and making the wound deeper. The Lord touched my heart, taking away all my hurt, insecurities and worthlessness. He gave me a new heart to love him and to see myself just as he sees me. He gave me hope in place of despair, strength for weakness and healing for pain. He took away my tears of frustration and the only tears that I have now are because I love him so much. I love him more than life itself. I would not exchange my Jesus for anything or anyone.
What he has done for me, no man in this lifetime or in the one to come, could have done it. He raised me up, he lifted my head, and he took me in, loved me and kept me to himself and for Him. While the devil was on assignment to destroy me, God was on assignment to deliver me. Satan was out to destroy me not just spiritually, emotionally and mentally but also physically. But God was preparing to show his glory in my life. I survived the pornography, sexism, alcoholism, masturbation and bestiality simply because of his grace.
I love God with all of my heart and I have pledged my allegiance to him all the days of my life. I was created for this very reason that I may live for him and show his glory in my life to the whole world. When I look back at how my life has been, at times I wonder, but I know it was for a reason. What was supposed to destroy me, has built me up. The very channels the devil prepared to finish me off, God used them to bring me forth. I thank God for the pain, frustration and abuse that I went through. I am not ashamed of my past because God has used it as a platform for my today and tomorrow. I thank God for the helplessness that I felt because today I have the strength that I need to face any situation that comes my way.
God taught me that it is okay to feel scared and vulnerable, because only then will I rely on him for my strength. When I know that He is all and more than I would ever need, I will be okay no matter what happens. I love Christ because he has truly given me a new life. It is evident to my family, my friends and me that God has taken over in my life. I have come to know the power of grace, forgiveness, healing and hope. My life is founded in Christ. He is my joy, peace, strength, glory, honour, pride and power. He kept me from going mad and instead renewed my mind. However, I do not define myself with what God has done for me and to me. It is true that he has healed me, forgiven me, delivered me and provided for me. But I take pride in defining myself with Him. I am his child, I am his son.
God has called me to minister to young people who are struggling with the same issues that I had and are feeling that they cannot come out of it. The fact that I made it is a proof that they can get delivered if they allow God to work in them. I share my story with the young people in schools, universities and wherever I can. I will tell my story to anyone who cares to listen. My prayer is that a life will be changed as I live my life for Christ and share my past.
I have a burning desire to serve God and love him with every fibre of my being. My consuming passion is to love him and nothing more. He is all I have and has made me who I am today. There is hope for those struggling with such deep emotional issues. God can do it for you just as he did it for me. I have a strength with people and have a ‘sweet tongue’. I can convince people to do something, but more than that, I want them to know my God.
I will impact my world for God, many will be encouraged, lives will be transformed, but above all, my greatest calling is to be His child. I walked away from masturbation, pornography, bestiality, sexism, alcoholism, low self esteem, hopelessness, despair and unforgiveness to walk into Christ’s love, grace, joy, peace, strength and forgiveness. Christ gave up his life for me and now I give up my life for Him and to Him. To love Him always is my highest honour. The God of Lamo can do it for you too.
My name is Christine Naserian Njeri and have fought many battles in life; had God not stuck with me, come through for me, I would have been destroyed. He has become my very best friend and anchor in life. I love writing Christian Inspiration, because I have been inspired…by God, and I want to share this inspiration with the rest of the world. My email address is email@example.com